Bisexistra Unicornia

Threadless (Scattered Works)

2009-10-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

1 -
I still believe that wishes of the moon
breathe across the open sun
The syllables from your voice ring within my head
And place me in a less practical state
Your pragmatism rips open the cracks you make
Each time you cause me to smile
You work with a gun
But your free hand caresses my open wounds

2 -
Blackening cracks caressing
the secrets we keep
my wishes for you when you fade
Steal the glow from each distant star

3 -
Gentle fantasies erode love's convenient bonds
bonds on my limbs as you subdue
you leave yourself aroused to chase your gazelles
I know nothing of grazing with fellow crazies
This lie that I have my own kind
I am only an equal who watches
you blend into their restraints
when you bring home a kill
we both collect the -
screams that stain across your lips

Nightwish

2009-10-31T11:29:00.001-07:00

Brushed under midnight
Relative paws beating into newborn soil
Luminous claws tearing into sensitive prickled skin
-our old parallel-
Two hearts pounding into moon kissed embrace
Sewn of our sun, blanketed with your moonshine
Ominous growls echoing into the first few hours of virgin night
Darkness settles on the red droplets we have forgotten -

Gently speckled and glowing,
incompletely creating a heart

Marks

2009-10-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

You can't bless all of your contradictions
beneath ragged eyes
scorch marks from the heart
burning beneath blankets of frozen snow

internal static marking the distance between you and I
little dreams swimming beneath open seas
I no longer see you sleeping

A flashing red light signals that I still have friends to keep
Unguarded where you lay,
I embrace rapturous times

Walking deaths erode
beneath illuminated smiles

Matthew

2009-10-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

I've never held such a hollow sword
This is not my imagination;
I can't imagine you,
All skin, shrugs and cavities exposed
You embody such innocence
And I embody such a demon
It is these illuminations in which I feed
"Is this what you want?"
I will only be selfish to wield such a generous expression
You tempt me into a spectrum
and a state in which I rarely know
Intimately you are,
My heart, my innocence

Paints On A Burning Canvas

2009-10-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

"They are disease ridden creatures,
Unless you pull back,
there is always a guarantee that you will become one yourself."

"This . is . not . how . I . raised . you."

Those were the last syllables I heard of my mother's words ricochet from the cove of my ear drums to striking across the standing walls that encased us. The strength of her words struck down onto me as though she was temporarily brushing a newborn silver blade across bloodied tresses in my skin. Yet even with the scathe of her words, I either looked to her or beyond her with an emptied face. I wore my mask of a doll in complete and utter nonchalance.

It wasn't as though I didn't care for the malice, coated in disbelief for what she was saying. It was more so that at this point in time..I had already made my choice. If she had come to me, arms raised, or fingers latched onto my throat a few weeks ago, before autumn had clarified itself as our new season..this would be the point where tears threatened to shake in my irises and pour as broken water basins down my cheeks.

I gathered the splitting lace of my dress as I pulled my dress closer to me across the floor. I was curled into a portion of a human ball; breasts fighting to be exposed behind the the loose towel of my dress that I struggled to cover myself with, legs resting against each other leaned against the stone wall, and skin breaking the silence of eccentric color..bare and heaving against my bones. My hair created a silent distance of defending the complete gaze of my mother behind a now unkempt architecture of strands.

"Are you REALLY this desperate?"

I felt the eyes of my new loved ones bore into the back of my moistened skin, back arched in a way to protect those eyes from secretly peaking into my soul. I heard the rustling orchestra of skins ease and tighten as I visualized the man pull his wife closer onto his chest and tried to defend their vision with a tangle of bedsheets. As I heard their movements, my mind walked back into a few minutes ago in which the woman's finely carved lips eased onto mine after a rosy pink blush. As we moved into more elaborate positions, I watched as the man's own lips curved into a triumphant smile; he was finally taking part in every man's beloved fantasy.

That afternoon had eroded into a machinery of heart beats.
My body ached of a century in which I had been enchanted by such a hauntingly innocent pair of eyes...

Following the recall of that stained caress of my memories, I looked over at my mother while letting the bundled hems and corset of my distressed garments fall..

There was a tear in her eye that she was too stubborn to let fall on its own..

"This is how..
I've raised myself."

I'm sorry.

Seamstress

2009-10-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

The skin that coated the bottoms of my finger tips tingled as I brushed them across the stones etched into sides of my dress. The lace that dressed the fabric felt rougher to my touch as if everything I had sewn into it was finally beginning to unravel. The stitch marks of his smile pressed against a sensitive sore in my chest, as if his own skin was finally making contact with mine. I watched as the maid sat preoccupied on her knees, carefully grazing her fingers over the stitching in my dress. With another glance, it looked as though she was fighting against herself to not bury her face in lace handkerchief, short of crying her eyes out.

A familiar force grasped the feeling in my throat as an iridescent nostalgia floated above my eyelids and dragged out the hems of my memories. My eyes shook a little as I tried to focus my gaze on the maid below, fulfilling her role as seamstress instead of cradling me in her arms as a daughter that had trouble nursing a broken heart. But it being 'broken' at all was such a depressing understatement. It was more that I couldn't swallow another day of reminding myself that he was still taking his time, riding out in an open field instead of having me count his breaths as his chest rose and exhaled within my open arms.

Men are such foolish creations.

I quietly traced my curves in the mirror beyond, staring at the medium brown figure tightly fitted with a white corset beneath an outfit with a high, conservative neckline, and and free fall fabric that brushed across the carpets below. There was hardly a streak of fleshy skin striped to disturb the material, or a traditional peak of a bosom that held my identification before one could even finish the last syllable of my name.

'You are not yourself.'

Rescuing A Firefly

2009-09-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

"Do you trust me?" The only thing that I remembered seeing was the flicker of her smile beneath under the blaring afternoon sun as our skin finally touched by her taking my hand in hers. It was a little funny, considering that she was smaller than I was and it felt like I was being dragged by a smaller, lighter version of myself over into an empty field.

I felt the graze of watching sunshine graze across our skin and gave me even more of a reason to take off the lose clothing she was wearing; undergarments clearly visible because of the lack in tightness of anything on her. The mixture of our skin tones was similar to a rolling wave of earth bound color, moving from soil browns to cinnamon's twist on ebony. She must have been a much larger version of a pixie, however. There wasn't any long, flowing hair that usually fell into unkempt knots at the bottom, or a thick, ghastly heavy dress that's only put on for show and results in the woman to lose strength with each step she took.

This beautiful girl pulling my hand sent a coolness down my spine in being a true treasure of the Earth. The only traces of color in front of me were the whites of her peasant dress, and the petal pink shades of her lips as she looked back to make sure that her smile had reached mine.

~

About an hour and a half later, that same dress had been abandoned and curled up a few inches besides us, and the pink traces of her lips weren't the only ones that were rewarded with kisses instead of smiles. The sun was beginning to retreat further into the sky, and the only protection nature had given us was the small thicket of closely grown trees guarding us from view.

I cradled her body next to me and tried to make sure that we were completely touching. This was at least my excuse by saying that I was trying to protect her from the nearing cold. Her eye lids had slipped over familiar colored irises and had drifted off into a land that I have yet to know.

There was a tickling peacefulness about the state this area was in until a small rustle in the bushes came from a bush behind us. I kissed her on the cheek without much thought. The warmth of her beneath something so simple was enough to ignite my soul at that point.

An even smaller man than the rustle stepped out and looked entirely out of place while fumbling trying to tie his multicolored coats back together. His pudgy face bounced with a few rolls of fat under his neck as he attempted to walk over to us without falling flat on his face. He stared down at me resting my chin on the nape of her neck from behind her.

"My lady....ahem."

My staring at him was enough of a response.

"--Your counsel has requested that you return back to the castle...immediately."

My voice nearly broke-

"Don't you see that I'm enjoying myself?"

"B-but my queen..do you even know this woman?"

The silence that left my mouth was once again, enough of a response.

Straddle Sixx

2009-08-23T01:28:00.000-07:00

I don't even think that my hands wanted to put up with me at this point. My fingers twinged in an aching rebellion as I tried to wrap them around that pesky little message lying on my desk. It rested, absorbing incoming sunshine as if it was a monster devouring food parcels. I over looked my various scars I carved onto its face, becoming its contents. I licked my puffy, bottom lip, already sore from me biting into it in apprehension.

You've known no anticipation such as this, audience. A twirling of fantasies began to tip toe across my mind. I heard them rustle in packs of three's and fours onto the stage. I listened as they surrounded me within moments of my breath leaving my esophagus. They perched in front of my vision, and entangled me in their embraces. And, cometh the vines of a fool's fantasies toward the individual that he hardly knows.

I'm afraid of things this sickeningly seductive. There must have been a theme with seeing the reflection of a youthful soul in yet another pair of haunting, blue irises. I nearly fell from my grip the other day when I heard your voice break the silence between myself and a hopeful conversation. Your estranged sense of humor reminds me of my own. You rebel against basic formalities by lashing your tongue as a sailor would with a ship to open seas.

I held the letter up to the blinking sunlight. There were no signs of anything that betrayed my usual signs of dominance. If it were possible, I might have even seemed...innocent. This opportunity to come in contact with this particular individual meant that I'd finally be able to give the talk of my castle a name other than 'moonshine' or the boy who flaunts a child caught in his insides.

Without looking at the outstretched hand ready for command,
I pushed my embodiment of endless drabble, wistfulness, and questioning onto his waiting finger tips.

At this point in time,
I wonder if even Aphrodite's forgotten my name.

Possession (fragment)

2009-08-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Sleep
Sleep
Rest per me
Beyond vestri folds of malice
Teeth seputus in corpus viscus
Nox noctis pulvis peniculus in fervens skin
Stars per infractus panes specto a prodigy
Beasts insisto you
Licking procul vestri patefacio vulnus

sum decor
Vos es decor
sum bestia
es bestia
Nos es abandonment
Nos es bestia

Sleep
Sleep
Rest with me
Beyond your folds of malice
Teeth sunk in corporal flesh
Night dust brushed on heated skin
Stars through broken panes await a prodigy
Beasts follow you
Licking at your open wounds

I am beauty
You are beauty
I am animal
You are animal
We are abandonment
We are beasts

I felt the curling. Curling of my heart strings beneath the only source of protection that God had left me to cover myself..hide my banks of velvet cartilage, hide my beating anxiety, hide my trembling bones, protect my personal ocean of youth from spilling onto the scarred tile, where he patiently stood.

All there was defending my sanity were four walls, the Earth blanketed in old tile, the guarded heavens named ceiling, and a large, narcissism induced..bathroom mirror. I tried to stare into mine eyes, meant to lure out my usual swimming essence of strength. Why aren't you speaking to me today? Why are you silent in these few moments where I need you for more than mere pleasure? Where is the pride licking beneath your bones? Where are the droplets of hope glistening across your slowly aging skin?

Where are the scorch marks of my fiery resolve dancing behind my eyes?
Where..is my only reflection of light denied from me and taken from my shaking lips?

The air in the room kept pressing against my inner, affectionate organ. At this point, I dare not say it's name or else I fear that he'll reach his hands into me and take the only piece of me that I managed to cradle back from him. He had once taken everything from me. No body to stand upright to tread across new Earth each day. Mind left confined to a state of rotting nostalgia. Its veins and nerves blinking and twisting around echoes of darkened chuckles, races of anxiety, and memories of light waves scattered inside.

This fabled reunion of titans.
(to be continued)

Colorless Colour

2009-08-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

I think at this point, you might as well be sucking the edge of the clock's greater hand. All I do is dwindle between the hours, breathing in between the moments of expecting your belated knock on this door. As time elapses, I understand that others might have been correct about this curl of a situation. I have no abstinence for playing Venus's game. I cling to her open shell, wondering if she'll take me in as herself, or cast me out as being nothing but lust.

Your open mouth has no words for me left uncalculated. I study your movements as if your choreography is open for the public to critique its display. The inches you pace tell me that you know nothing but innocence. But I sense an abyss beyond that grip of sunshine of a mind. Everything I've sought a year ago hangs above you. The little bits in humans that I cherish, lingers within you. But at this point, the counsel of my cynicism gives me notice that there's nothing of me beyond you, either.

Summer hasn't even been laid down to rest.
Yet, in spite of radiance; I sleep shadowless.

No wonder I'm scared to look in your eyes. I feel an absurd little heat grab my soul and tell me that I should be more afraid of falling. You must have had countless others throw yourself on this same, shining ribbon of a road of yours. From what we've seen, with mine eyes - You know no attraction. I remember that day when I tripped in spite of alleged grace, and came tumbling down a short hill. You were casual in coming to my side, and looked below at me. There might have actually been no distinction between the earth's sky and the shade of your eyes that day.

It isn't necessarily nonchalance. But I still can't help but feeling that everything I find and show for your eyes amounts to nothing. I understand that oath to abandonment that you hide behind your hands. I only question if that same oath applies to that natural sweetness that surrounds your heart. You leave me in a quiet, little rage, sir. Lately, it feels as if you wish to leave that troublesome embrace astray.

That night,
I swore I felt the remnants of brilliant color prickling
beneath these pores, these roots I call skin.

I hide no emotion in front of you. Those before you would simply laugh at these silly attempts to forge tieing a smile on your lips. You haven't yet left me breathless in the wind you leave. Yet I still feel a similar heat rising inside to meet the childish flame tongues flickering behind your eyes. Your pace in these events leaves me to question everything. Every moment I give to my mind to cradle in time. Every chuckle I give to these frozen pavements that lie dormant..beneath my memories.

My new friend,
I have no problem with painting your name each day on my lips.

Wrath of Fetuses on Mars

2009-08-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Alright so, I'm in a very uppity mood lately. Mostly because a few particular long lost planets and their lovely moods decided to cling to my atmosphere all of a sudden. But this isn't the story that I aim to tell while I'm in a very lets-fucking-blog like mood today. So, I have to get this off of my chest since its been raging through my nervous system...

A couple of days back, I noticed that one of my old sorta-buddies off of KHI (Xeles, newly named Optical Justice) decided to fly back into the graphics section. He made a post, and a smile sprung on my face and I immediately contacted him via profile messaging and so on. Once that developed into a steady MSN conversation, he started talking about a forum he was helping run by being an admin. It was a newly formed KH fetus of a site, yet apparently had enough activity to keep it going. He started talking about its potholes with how kids are making crappy signatures, spam running amuck, and so on.

Well, given that GFX is my thing and to help out a friend of mine, I joined KH-3.net/KHPlanet and strung myself a new name that I had cruised around with and raided this teeny bopper chatroom with; Autopsy. Soon as I joined, I didn't even bother to make an introduction thread, and headed straight to KHP's version of a DM (Dig media section, ya know how it goes). Well as soon as I got there, I saw a bundle of threads that all had sporadic activity dates and a few up top that were a few weeks ahead or behind each other. I looked at the most recent one. It was apparently some little shop started by a kid who only got by from slapping on text on top of pictures, adding sparkles and mediocre animations..yet called it art.

Raiden (OJ) had given me permission to critique where I found necessary. Plus, coming from years of cnc'ing kids to the point where it became a natural thing, I had my say. Within about 5 minutes, a bulk of e-school yard kids came in since I entered their 'turf' and started bad mouthing my critique. I mean, I totally got the fact that they're probably not used to the way..you know....the REST of the e-art world is ran, but it went a little bull's head ballistic. The kids ended up treating it like I was slapping their mother in the face with the back of my hand or something. I just sat there..staring at my computer, slouching slightly..and squinting at the fact that some 3 or 4 kids who weren't even involved treated simple critique..half ego-dragging comment into a little oblivion that 4chan users like to call.."Y U SO BUTTHURT."

So before it could escalate, I decided to pull lulzy-face on them and had Rai shut down the thread before it turned into a full out military coup de ta't. After that, I gave the same crit with actual examples and such over to some kid who liked to shove in renders and brushes into sigs, then walked away before the explosion. I navigated into the RP section because I assumed that it'd be just as bad, if not worse. Where I come from..I'm Old RP Section - KHI nostalgic, and those times taught me damn well how to fasten a decent RP. So I skimpered in, found the most retarded sounding thread, looked through some...10 pages. Found nothing but spam out of them, and left a comment about how it's much easier to use MSN instead of spamming. My ego left a tooth mark there. Mostly because I assumed there wouldn't be anyone literate enough to hold me down.

But alas. The fabled 'Star Light', now 'Kairi Star' was flagged down by my apparent *rape* of her former section, before she got demodded. I admit, I kinda knew about her from Rai and so on and felt like pissing her off. But it was mostly to point out that you can't just FAKE an RP by spamming up page after page asking about retarded crap that you can just say on a messenger system. So..this explosion was much.....louder than I expected.

The woman let out an all out - Amazonian esque attack on me with a ferocious little, 2 paragraph long stouty comment about how she's a 'fighter' and doesn't let just 'anyone' come in her section and i should 'leave' and 'shut my mouth.' It was also applauded by the rest of the thread in general once it swelled beyond the page I commented. I also noticed that one kid who had been floating around requesting and bashing me..calling me 'miss picky' in the GFX section managed to follow me and stated babbling about how I should leave and so on. But of course..as you all well know ME by now..

of course I fucking stayed.

I challenged KS to a ball's out battle of short wits in that thread. Leave the most scarring comment without flaming or insulting, but simply stating your point. It lasted longer than I thought it would, and eventually it was shut down by Raiden who got tired of people hopping onto KS's dragon and sailing way with her. The situation ended for about...5 minutes before she left me a profile message calling me a 'smart allic' and how i should 'shut my mouth' and other mildly redundant things. I responded with calling her over emotional with a nonchalant vibe, totally enjoying how hot headed she had become over almost..absolutely nothing. The fight waged on for some hour or so before I mentioned that she'd do best to 'follow' her own advice by 'shutting my mouth' or else she wouldn't gain modship again.

But of course, you think this would all just blow right over..right?
Oh ho ho, you're as wrong as Bush saying he didn't fuck Cheyney's sweet little ass in Iraq.

Turns out that the people who sided with KS decided to make a frenzy out of me not 'accepting' their lifestyle (lol, homosexuality), and started making an obese multitude of threads about how I should leave. This time of shit usually lasts about 2 hours, then dies down. But it actually raged on for about 2 days or so. Most of it happening a few hours after I ran some errands with my mother, and BOOM.."autopsy cn u jst leave ok bye," - right in my face, about every spanking 5 minutes. Then the worst of it is that there was this apparent army growing to 1) Support Kairi Star's Hatred, 2) In Loyalty and Disapproval of Honor Guard getting banned.

To be honest, I think E-drama's hilarious.
But when it gets to the point where people are throwing around redundant phrases all over the place and my name is slandered by kids who can't even write a sentence without reducing themselves to "chtSP3@k", then it gets..sort of annoying.

The issue with HG getting banned was that both him and axel kept following me wherever I went. HG would keep bashing me with all of these over-cuss-word induced, very red neck esque insults a mile at a time. Eventually, staff piled in and banned him for about 3 months. You see, forum in general didn't take that very well. They apparently WORSHIP this red neck-baby to the point where they're trying to get every member online who hasn't befriended me to turn against me. It was probably the most wildly retarded shit I'd seen since the KHI Hottest of the Hot scandal where Ty accused me of **magically** getting 100+ people to vote for Enchanted Rose.

But beyond that, I actually SAW what they were saying. They were treating me I was like..some demon or something. I mean, I know that I get slashed a bit for my ego being out there from time to time. But you kinda get used to it. And hell, once you start talking to me, you may even pick up that I'm a sweet heart on top of everything. Yet..everything started getting BEYOND butt hurt. I'm talking, flat out diharrea status.

Raiden wanted to get KS and me into a chat over MSN. Of course I complied since, you know..I don't really give a damn about e-fights. Long story short, the girl basically went on and on and ON about how everyone hates me, KHI hates her, she's scared shitless, she's seemingly the ONLY person who understands anything and everyone, and all of this crazy, long winded bullshit that only victims do to protect themselves from being carried out to slaughter. Some few hours before I opened this blog, she finally decided to leave since my alleged 'fight' with her was oh - too reminiscent of a fight she had back with this girl named Tori, aka Kupo. Whom, might I add..is almost EXACTLY like me, if not just a reincarnation of yours, truly.

Then also because of some other shit involving Rai just sugar coating everything instead of banning me and so on. Fact of the matter is that there's never a legitimate REASON to ban me. You either adapt to how I am, or you can complain about it. There's no really 'altering' me, per se. I say what I say for a reason, even when all in all..I honestly try to help kids out when need be.

As far as anything else goes, the HG kid had started a forum a whileeee back, and is now running on an emo-rampage about how much he hates me and Raiden, and is SO head over heels in love with KS's story and can relate to her and how he worships her and "DESSSPIZZZESSSSSSS" her leaving, his friend not RPing anymore, and the forum basically being completely and utterly turned on its side.

I tend to start e-social revolutions if i dig the environment enough.
what can I say?

Well. We'll see what else happens, I guess.
But jesus fucking christ, kids -
Grow some back bone.

This is the reason why older generations hee and haww over the fact that we tend to whine over shit they would have expressed when feeling their limbs shatter from repairing heavy machinery, building things, and so on.

ITT;
Kids on the internet these days are fucking stupid.

Broken China

2009-08-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

I stared at the bottom of the table in silence. Also staring, was an obscure, opaque, decently beautied woman. Hair busied in several different directions, make up from emptied eyes dripping from my cheeks to my stomach. Lips, sewn shut. Frame, leaning into an image of a pretty picture slowly fading into the smudges of the marble table.

I felt my heart ripping itself out of its bed of veins. Churning, roaring, knowing only sound. The sunlight penetrated the vulnerable spots on my neck and on the left side of my face. Exposing my fear, dripping posture, faltered elegance..showing new innocence. I tried to press my eye lids together, in hopes that he wouldn't examine this mess of a soul. The Earth sat still beneath my feet, blanketed in a shaggy warmth of royal carpet. Now scarred with a memory of my body lain beneath his on the rigid spirals tightly sewn on the material circling with my imprint on this dirty floor.

I had been ravaged.
I am a fool to not have accepted it.

I danced with the dragon, sworn a kiss to what I thought to an angel, and received a half winged demon pushing skin against skin. The air had been thick with the sounds of our chuckling and chorus of panting into a hollow night. Heated mid summer aroma packed our skin not only a few feet away from the dining room table. My mind raced with thoughts of, "Let him wait, or let him go." Yet my body raged with fanged, half bitten responses such as, "Let him take, or let him run." My senses foamed over with sporadic, gradual, long strikes of direct ecstasy. I pressed my heart into his while the same beat of him was pressed beyond my stomach.

I whispered..
"You ask, and you shall receive."

The dusted pink of his lips cracked into a smile and replied with, "Even if you are God, my dear woman, you are still only nothing but that if you let anyone who prays to take you."

I felt a stone drop beneath my chest. A cold, dark fragment of faithful understanding. I still felt the limbs of my body lay exposed under this new creature. Dress hiked above my thighs, stocking's destroyed, jewelry strewn, corset and chastity fastenings to my bosom left...obsolete. My skin prickled with the remnants of his lips pressed to them, muscles massaged against their counterparts, reproductive organs aching from being touched.

Within short hours, I felt his body rise with the sounds of armor clinging, jewels intertwining, leather scratching, breaths gasping into dimming afternoon sunshine. The pressure of his bones leaving mine felt anything less than similar from a child being picked from its cradle. It soothes itself into bliss when held, it screams in ache and demand upon rejection.

I damn myself to combine masochism with knowing.

The spiced scent of his collected valuables returned to him when he arrived at the table minutes later, hours that felt like fluttering eternities. He fancied himself a luke warm cup of tea from in front of him, and drunk deeply before relaxing his esophagus and staring over at me.

I was a star of a strewn woman, on the uncaring, endless material of sky on carpeted floor.

"Anything more than this..isn't going to work."

Neptuning Turqoise

2009-08-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I think I'm falling again. But only difference is that here, the rate of me falling is quite quite slow. Almost feels as though I'm drifting in and out of a haunting subconsciousness. There isn't anything threatening about rolling off of this mental cliff and piveting through scattered light waves with warmth enveloping my skin with uncertainty. My tyrannical saurus of a mother always tells me not to chase them, even those without wings. But this one flickers under the leaves around me with a smile. Yet that *smile* may also be a simple, polite mask. And a pilot for deceit.

I walked those roads once. I used to always say, "there's no use in running a mile." And he'd always laugh at me, then ask me why I'd come up with such silly termanolgy. It's so true, however. Instead of running a mile, I jog, I walk, I catch my breath, and exhale it in strangled pants the harder my feet hit the ground before reaching my destination. I shouldn't run after this one, yet I'm understanding that I'm starting to feel my soul press its hands against my stomach. My heart's in my throat whenever I hear that name. It might as well be on my tongue, fresh enough to taste whenever I talk to that little human-diety of mine.

I exaggerate everything, one million times gold. Everyone knows this. Hell, it isn't even that far away from me and I should be happy that I'm not trying to point a light beam at Polaris, hoping that it'll reflect onto the other side of the country. This isn't worth my grief and I feel as though I'm just walking through the typical, murky, southern waters of deja vu. It's almost a similar situation. A breath of freshness. They even have the same style. As soon as I saw those eyes, I knew I was looking into a biting kiss of nostalgia. The only difference is that one is older, and is actually all around approachable and doesn't hold a jagged, spiked enigma instead of having a front door.

Then its name rolls differently off my tongue. It's simple, sweet and allows my heart to not jerk with a second beat upon various syllables. Their birthdays are almost similar. One stomps with hooves on these tattered shores, the other scuttles in between its own water carried with wind. Both, however have a rigid outlook on what future brings. Wait, let me rephrase that. One threads itself to the past, one remains sewn to the present. Both also receive magnetic praise, every day, every moment, every bedazzled breath 24/7. I don't want to fall for this one, but I can easily photograph the mountain's edge.

My fingertips can brush across what you feel.
My hands can hold what you can see alligned
The only thing I question -
is if your skin glows with more than just sunshine..

Shutter Bug Photography

2009-08-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

Death of a former dynasty
Satellite betrothed in
I once knew your sword
Hidden in fields of flowing mysticysm
Acid perfumes, alluring delights
Raging is a storm in this organ
Heavy and red
Read of its tragedies
On its pages, I stand limping, yet victorious
Color in my eyes
For on this fortnight, I still live with no regrets
Dangerous are the children between Io and Europa
Shaken battles still leave me scathed

Eye brows raised
irises dazed
fantasy delayed
a blessing for that tomorrow once again betrayed

Along my garden
there is another sunshine's embrace
Gliding hopes to taste a bit of this wonder -
Twirl and sleep on my tongue
Whispers to eyes beyond this darkening wood -
This heart is exploding with spring in its atmosphere

Breathing In Satellites

2009-08-02T20:43:00.001-07:00

So..my belly's raging and full of awesome, mango juices, freshly picked and ripped of their gorgeous virginity. I technically should be talking about my *transition* from Coke head, aka confederate legion, aka dumbass, aka former sex god, aka stupido el grande. But I'm stubborn and rarely stay on track with anything. There's a few people staring at this blog, apparently and I feel as though I need to entertain their scraggly asses.

I was talking to Diego not too long ago.
He said that apparently my assumptions were correct about something that's been bugging the crap out of me for like..two weeks. And a DAY is all it took No, not, not even a day. More like, the amount of time it takes for me to scan over a single picture. That's all it took. Once my mind absorbed the potential - ravage material, I went for it. I sprung off of a board. I dove into the ocean, I'm in the process of straddling the mount everest of Post.Prod.

Wait, wait no. I can't be correct. That would defy all of the laws of physics. Speaking of which, I should apply what I've learned from my astronomy class to this..*situation.* Trying to get anywhere with this is similar to trying to land a space craft successfully on Jupiter. Jupiter is full of so much god damn blasted electro magnetic energy; ITT big daddy storms that it'll shred anything that touches its surface with its gravity. I'm talking..STAGNANT, DECAPTIATION MACHINE, ladies. But anyway..how does this apply to this situation? Well lets say that I'm a gentle, innocent floating satellite that's gung ho on getting magnificent footage of this lovely planet by *landing*.

So far..I've encountered turbulence. Not the violent kind, more like the natural defense mechanisms that planets like to set up to prevent things from touching its surface. I can't believe I'm aiming for Jupiter though. I mean..seriously? Diego told me that I'm just imagining the lightwaves and all, but I'm pretty convinced that they're there. I can analyze the smallest show of contact to a 'T.' It's sort of annoying though. If I get viciously thrown out of orbit again, I'll just be hearing a little, all knowing voice in my head going..

"I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. You should have known this was incredibly stupid to start with."

I encountered a joker once.
He liked to pretend he was a clown by wearing make up, and getting girls wet all over school with his twisted, pseudo - sadism.
He needed his harley quinn and he found her in someone who was less interesting without her pokerface and mask.
I've found a new Mr. J.
I just wonder if the flowers I see in this field will squirt water in my face with a giggle of.."I told you so."

Isolating Venus ; (The Tale of Inertia x Inertia)

2009-08-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

Moonshine, if you find this one day
(accidentally or by whole hearted intention)
well...you were right in assuming how I've felt.
I don't know when you'll truly leave my mind, heart or soul.
Keep one thing, alright?
We were alive, once.

~
Lol. I'm actually making two blogs right after the other.
Diego, you enoying this, love? Haha. Anyway, now to the section of the story that I'm quite, quite fond of and reveals that I adore this sort of thing.

I wonder if I should go into detail about the one age old tale that ALL of my friends know about? It's fairly long, but since this is a blog, I'll squander you a few tidbits about it. The only reason I'm talking about this is because this is basically..the second milestone to affect my take on love, lust and relationships in general since 2006. And that's saying a lot since regardless of whatever I say to people, affection and what not, its relatively hard for people I'm *into* per se to really affect me, and cling to my heart with fucking brackets or ice picks.

Alright so, around this same time last summer, I decided to randomly start talking to this one former hot shot in the graphics section on my home forum (all you bastards know, haha). I was always inspired by him because he'd always manage to make the most gorgeous, deep, dark and engaging design work in his tags. Then he also had this entity. You know them well. The kids that seem to 'have it all' in social situations. Well, give or take that I pride myself in thinking that I can talk to anyone, I just said, 'what the hell, why not?' one day, and added his IM-address to MSN.

His username was Prodigy.
little did I know that he'd honestly prove to have much to that a/effect on me from that point on.

And low and behold, my heart rate and interest level rose to surprising heights that one fateful day that he decided to log on. So, give or take a couple of weeks we started to get to know each other. He was in a relationship (soon to prove to be the most scarring, 6monther ever for him), and he opened up to me about that. He told me that all he'd have to do was come over and she'd be on the ground, legs spread, arching her back for him to make that sweet olde' lust to her, as we all know and love. Well, I never was jealous of this until much, much later ironically. All I wanted to do was hold him to me as a friend and I didn't really expect much out of that friendship, or whatever it was.

What I found very cute, furry and fluffy early on was the fact that him and I had a very similar, if not out right, doctor-approved identical sense of humour. We'd be able to jump from talking about relationships, to how big his balls are, to the asshole living across from him, to his rickety family situation, to how much he loved how his former GF used to belly dance for him, and so on. Give or take that we were ironically actually able to connect so easily, from the 'ultra' get go, as though we had known each other for a while prior was a medium-stage of mind boggling.

Post-Summer-2008, that friendship developed into much, much more.
He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, and I forgot the meaty details as to 'why,' but I can only assume that he either fucked up, or she started to turn into a spastic bitch. Oh right, it was because she moved away or something. Hell if I remember properly. You see, Prod and I used to talk to SUCH an extent where...fuck, you need to see my phone bill from back then. To the point where we'd be texting from the day starting at 7 AM (9, his time), to legitimately talking to each other straight into the night from 3PM - 2 AM. Hardly a breath or two in between. This happened for months at a time. Lmao. I honestly remember a grab bag full of the things we talked about. He had somewhat of a..downright fetish for Heath Ledger's portrayal of 'The Joker'. That fetish also lead into me getting turned on by the deep, crackling, intense magnitude of his Alabama voice (with a hint of the accent in flicks of salt every so on).

On that key, our *friendship* barrel-rolled into a feisty, sexual romance, kinda sorta.
Once I passed my picture to him on MSN (taken in October)..that basically started it all, with the attraction and what not. Ever since he passed his first (( ;] )) - on to me, I was sprung, I will not freaking, on my great grand mother's grave - lie about this. It was almost..obsession. Fuck, I knew that it was. After our usual series of conversations, come night time, I'd make a habit out of growing into more of a 'girly' or seductive mode by tempting into having him say things a certain way. It was a husky, sexy way of simply changing the way you speak that jump started months worth of dog-on-dog, panting into the night while wistfully staring into the stars with my hand between my thighs - esque..brilliant..phone sex.

Then come December, those swirling, savage lines between lust and actual 'love' both began to turn incestual, and quite, quite extra terrestrial. He'd always make a habit out of leading me on with these nonchalant, half assed responses for every substantial, even 'affectionate' response he gave me. I wasn't sure what it was, but I clung onto it like a spider to its web, nonetheless. What happened one night..It was either on the 9th or 13th-15th of December...EVERYTHING had gone wrong. My mom caught me on webcam with Demetrio (darky dee, KHI - captain vajayjay), and since she HATES webcams, demanded me to send all of my electronics downstairs. Then once she left and I managed to skirmish onto MSN or whatever, my old-scene-prince of a former good friend (now ghost) -- named Aiden gave me an ultra bitchfit about how he didn't like that I didn't tell him that I had dated Sam, and dumped him. He was running into a jealous hold because he thought I'd always be there, waiting for him to come to me. Pfft, fuck that. But moving on, after that, I basically just took only my phone... up stairs.

That lead into hours upon hours of talking to Corey, I reveal to be the name of oh - so ghost of a Prodigy. That night, he acted much more open shell like than I had expected. We started talking to each other in the 3rd person.."Kambria thinks that.." "Corey thinks that..." as a means to get around letting on our direct emotions with "I, me, my, etc".

"Corey thinks that Kambria's cute.
But don't let her know that he thinks that."

Then that bloomed into this magical little conversation. It still kind of drags a few claws into me to relive all of this. So I'll just say the following, in direct quotes that I've clung to for a very long time...

"I love you, Corey."
"..and how do you feel?"
"......the feeling is mutual."
(an hour or so later, rolling into the early morning, both of us almost knocked out)--
"I love you so much, baby.."

Following that night in December and mid way into January, absolutely nothing was the same.
He got scared, put it on a shelf, later burned it when I pressed him about it, avoided talking to me, stopped calling me....then found a new girlfriend in his closest female friend in Birmingham, Alabama.

"I just wanted to know why you suddenly switched on me. Don't you feel the same anymore? Or is it something I did, what? Just tell me."

"There were never any feelings to be had. We talked to the point where I misinterpreted my feelings, and had mistaken them for love. I didn't want to say anything because I don't like letting people down."

August 2008 - January 2009 (frienship)
February 2009 - June 2009 -off beat, scattered- (communication)
/connection .. terminated.

Summer 09; (XXX Mars-Venus Retrograde), Pt. 1

2009-08-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Alright so, I haven't been exactly loyal to you, lovely little blog. Amirite? Well, in the month or so that I've been away, a multitude of things have developed in fancy little clusters decorated with what I call *web ring drama* and real time (IRL) exposes' (ex-pO-say's).

First off...what exactly happened in early July? Well, on top of me failing a whole apocolyptical STORM of tests in both my WC and Astronomy classes, even though I totally understand the concepts behind all of the work, I was socially messing around, as always. Remember in my last blog how I mentioned that I NEVER wanted to fuck with my IP address again? Well fancy us here. Turns out that it actually worked, and I managed to create a new account, named "Charlie."

How did I stumble across the name Charlie? Well, I was bored on MSN with the 'Create New Account' board in front of my face, and was talking to Ben (funny, awesome gay friend from High School) on MSN (lawl, rhyme scheme), and I just randomly asked him..

"Hey Ben, whats your favorite name for a guy?"
--That's where 'Charlie' came from, basically. It was a name that was reminiscent of the past by a tad, which I adore. And what's most gut-grabbing is the fact that I can easily sleep into either gender with it. I have an androgynous habit for choosing names like that, so fuck me sideways.

So, on the 4th or 5th of July, I gave an e-birth to the alternate account named Charlie. Since I was as happy as a poppy to be back on my old KHInsider grounds with a clean, John Locke style slate..I wanted to make an entrance, per se. And anyone that knows me INSTANTLY knows that if I ever want to introduce myself as truly 'myself' to anyone..they sure as hell know that means a big, cockslap in your face of eccentrism. I basically ended up making an introduction thread called..'Conquistadores my ass --- Hey there' or something like that. But the Conquistadores aspect grabbed SO much attention that it was ridiculous.

Lmao, seriously. I remember the night like it happened a couple of hours ago. As soon as I made the thread, soon to be known as the gorgeous, aussie global mod (Gavin) aka 'fuck you I'm a panda' or 'butts' posted in there. Then the standard on KHI is that if you manage to grab a mod or TWO+ to post in your intro thread, you're pretty much made for history. So, I'm sitting there with all of these weeaboo-head people, ITT; Ben and crew posting and talking to me. They'd throw in random phrases that normal newblets wouldn't understand. But because of my pride and oh so prominent desire to *fit in* I just roll along with it by throwing them responses that only someone from THEIR pack would understand.

During all of this, my good buddy/ex lover/newfound brother Kyle (Manchester Black/admin) was laughing his ass off when looking over it while responding himself every so often. I pretty much exposed myself as a fraud when Kyle started posting at the same rate I was since it was basically saying that he had a former relationship with me.

Then on top of that, he also told me that Gavin and Ty were ALL over trying to get him to scan "Charlie's" IP address to find any linkage to anyone on KHI. What was the most interesting was the fact that Tyrone (invisible flame, I'll get into more about that later, promise) - was able to somewhat pin who I was to my true identity from the get go within that very day. Even though he still wasn't 110% sure. Just considering the fact that Ty's able to magically absorb personalities to such a degree that he can trace new developments in people to shit he knows about.....is pretty fucking scary.

But moving on. So after the thread, the entire site went fucking..NUTS. Not only did the server break down a little (Oh wait, that was vodka, haha), but every single person (based on data I've collected of people saying this to me later and what not), who was aware of Charlie's existence kept wondering who I really was.

"Srsly. Who the FUCK is Charlie?'

I loved the attention, naturally. But I honestly didn't expect the whole enigmatic ordeal to swell to the point where the staff x members of KHI whom I both knew formally and didn't were all over trying to figure out who I was. But of course, this little trampolene of fun avoiding discovery couldn't last forever. Since I was sort of getting tired of running around under a cheap invisibility cloak (har-hurr), I started hitting up conversations with peeps that I knew prior-Vodka banning. People like my friends baby-commie-Ryan, Rodney (mods), and scatter of people from the graphics' section in which I normally resided left a thick, thick trail of bread crumbs for the angrier mod-lets to follow. But what REALLY fucked me over was when I called out the oldest, snarkiest and oldest mod out by her real name..

'Sara.'
What was funny was the fact that I had noticed my mistake, and INSTANTLY went back to delete the mention of her name, I think. But the damage had already exceeded 9,999 overkill ++. After that little mess up, EVERYONE started following because ITT; it was as strange as all hell that a newb would know Ultima's name? And would even have the BALLS, the cojones, the AUDACITY to call her out by it in public without adding a casual, 'lol' to change it into formality.

So, check and mate from that point on.
In addition to that, a Roman army's worth of people (even SAM) of all people pointed out that the new tag I was carrying around that I had made was reminiscent of my ongoing signature style. Despite the fact that I went as far to make a new Photobucket account of all things? Hell, I basically made a tag that was more scrap book, texture throw back of an abstract. And I thought (personally) that it was kinda under the radar. When in fact, it was all up on the damn thing, at point-blank range.

Moving on. So, once the 'Omg Charlie knows Sara's name' arose, the staff..aka Ty and cohoards decided to put me under what I fondly call *surveillance*. They started quoting me in the chat once formally and dear departed Blahmaster from circa KHI 06-07-08, newly 'Donna de Ragione' began talking to me, beginning by beating off of a phrase I passed over to Rodney when talking to him. He started working around the whole idea about everyone didn't like Vodka and what not. Even brought up the issues. At the same time, my buddie Eddie started hotlinking the convo via the chat and told me what everyone was saying while Ragione was linking the convo between him and I in the chat..and blah blah blah reflective shit.

Before hand, I started talking to Tyrone.
I was asking how he dealt with so many people hating him.
And he casually responded with shit saying that people always deal with it over time and submitted to it.
Then some bowsxribbons about how he doesn't care about any of it really.

What I understand about how he managed to pinpoint what I was is...that he knew it was me because I was able to approach him casually, without any inhibition or initiative. And that I was able to talk to him without any e-sociological hint of acknowledging his superiority as an admin, douchebag, etc. With people..generally n00bs, newbs, normal members, veterans, mods, etc-- No one ever talks to him like that, regardless if they know him or not.

Post surveillance episode, Ty just broke the whole enigma with a pretty silver bat; 'You're way too easy.'

Then after that, everyone basically knew that I was back.
But little did I know that ye olde' "Vodka" - scorn she devil of the Earth's return to KHI was the LEAST of what I ran into in the bulk of July.

Anorexic Sparrow

2009-06-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright.

So I'm never going to try THAT ever again. I got banned about a month (ish) ago from a site that I've grown to love and hate over the course of 3 years or so. It was eventually going to happen, so I wasn't surprised once the ban hammer came down repeatedly over my fickle little head by the administration who considered me to be the 'pimple' that needed to be watered down with Proactive.

Anyway, so I figured that I'd try to sneak back in by changing my IP address. I'd seen a few people do it successfully and I tried it out by following this happy looking redneck's tutorial on a know-it-all techie website. Turned out that changing my IP address totally isolated me from my general connection. It was like fucking taking a bag of Knotts' Strawberry filling cookies, setting them on a table 3 feet away from me, and chaining me down to the floor --- Having a connection but 'not' being able to access the internet was THAT horrendous.

A buddy named Kota -- administrator of my homicide homeland's sister site warned me not to. But of course, I'm like the baby who'll still push its hand over the flame to experience the sensation of being burnt in order to gain some common sense. Speaking of which, some kids off of that site pulled me into one of their loud mouthed, spontaneous, playful little chats again on MSN. I was thrilled that no one wanted to stab my eyes out with little e-pitch forks like they wanted to do last time around.

But back to business. It's now passed midnight, and I STILL haven't touched my damn WC homework yet. I'm a college student. I shouldn't be procrastinating anymore (>.<). Then again, I always work well under pressure, depending. Hell, that's what happened when I tried cramming in Steiner's film essay on Scorsese in a little less than a week. But managed to write a 20 page paper. It was double spaced. But it was still made up of nasty, estrogen-dripping sweat and ink stained blood.

Yea. I feel like blabbing out my HP projects. I was browsing HPFF (harrypotterfanfiction.com) the other day, and kept coming across delightful little banners provided from a design spitting sister site. That inspired me to whip up a story again somehow based on that series. Well, since I had stutterfound open at the time, I couldn't deny my fingers from inching over a few tabs and devouring eye candy to find the perfect specimens to create my banners with. I was successful, apparently. But for some reason, even though I know I'll never finish them, I feel compelled to make MORE banners.

Lol fuck that. It's 3 AM, and I've got to nail doing my Western Civilizations homework on the ass with a stiick.

Introductory

2009-06-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

I should technically be doing my homework, but fuck that.
It's 8:45 ish, and I've got all night to grind my head into doing some Western Civilizations' book work. What's really to say? I'm just going to babble around about my projects I'm working on. That's to say if I actually remember that I have this blasted thing. It's like trying to remember that Santa's got a pregnant reindeer -- we don't live in the north pole and we're too engaged in our own lives to care. Anyway, I've randomly decided to get into writing again.

This is coming from a person who normally starts scribbling random thoughts of poetry onto a blank page at any given moment. Or hell, you should've seen the crap I was telling my buddy Rodney today while my astronomy class was rapidly molding me into a baby-philosopher.
I was saying all sorts of things. Speaking of which, I've come to terms with how life actually works.

The planets and stars are all in motion, right? Particularly the planets because they like to rotate around one another. Planets move in an ellipse, meaning that they move around in a stretched and stressed out circle. If planets or stars manage to break away from their rotation or position somehow. Indicating that they'd manage to break away from consistent gravitational force and invisible dark matter --- It means that they've created a 'destiny' per se. In simplest terms that means that if we manage to break away from fundamental social restraints, or just limits that we put on ourselves --- We're able to seize our destinies, rather than leaving it all up to where fate or the (rotation) moves us.

Now with that said, I'll skip right along to introducing myself and what I do. I'm a very...out there sort of person. I don't like holding back unless I think that I can get in better ranks by doing that. I have a multitude of different roads of friends, and that reflects in my fluctuating personality. For some year or two, I'd decided that I wanted to become some awesome, flashy, original, and world renown graphic designer. But since art school's out of the question for a while, I've started to consider a major change since I can actually take the classes I've been wanting to take. Ex; Astronomy, Philosophy, Sociology, etc.

I dunno. I've got a brain that's like an enormous outlet that has different shaped holes. You can stick a bunch of cords in me at the same time because my interests are too flexible to settle on one thing. The pervert in me arrived for a few seconds, then quietly walked out the back door when it realized that it wasn't needed.

Summer's technically already started and I feel like taking my free time by the horns, and getting some good ivory out of it. I have no major expectations for this summer. I just hope that I have a better serving of playmates this season.